Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
