i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
