my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
