Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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