If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
