Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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