i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
