I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You ate ashes out of my bong
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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