do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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