I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
