You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
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