A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
