Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
