Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
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So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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