Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
