My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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