Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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