i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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