hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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