If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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