Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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