I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
