i jhust puked up my retainher.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
