i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
