You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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