just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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