I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
