Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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