i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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