get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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