Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
