His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
