Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
