I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
