I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
