its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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