if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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