so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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