i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
