just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
