I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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