You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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