if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
