First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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