3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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