If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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