You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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