they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
