I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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