I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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