Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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