He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize