1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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